Script Excerpt | Creative + Dark Humor

Excerpt from Unsafe for Work, a UCB + Gold Comedy Series 2023

Copyright protected and all rights reserved.

INT. DAY: Weeks into the apocalypse, the group shelters in place at a communal workspace in downtown Los Angeles.

The camera pans across a hyper modern communal lounge space.

We follow a nauseatingly colorful mural on the office wall, featuring gross - but ironically relevant - inspirational phrases catered towards women (think: "strong women aren't born, they're made" and "there is nothing more fierce than a woman rebuilding herself") and eventually reach a series of pandering motivational words (think: "yas queen", "boss babe", "slay") in defunct neon sign letters.

The camera lands on SAM, JZ, SLADE, and DANA facing each other at the center of the room. Simultaneously:

SAM sits on the ground with great posture, furiously flipping through binders full of messy paperwork.

SLADE lays lazily on a couch, throwing a ball of rubber bands up above her and towards a broken ceiling light.

DANA sits at a small coffee table surrounded by boxes of varying sizes. One box is open and she is pulling out an enormous tactile jacket with lots of whistles, strings, pockets, and reflective strips. She starts putting it on.

JZ attempts to sit in a large egg shaped chair that hangs from the ceiling. The chair will not cooperate and keeps swinging out of reach whenever JZ puts weight on it. They eventually get in and the chair rips out of the ceiling immediately, slamming to the ground and leaving JZ on their back in a sort of broken chair cocoon on the ground, rocking back and forth.

No one reacts. JZ lays defeated, staring at the ceiling.

JZ
We're gunna die here.

SLADE
We're definitely gunna die here. And I can't stop worrying about my cats.
There's no way my roommate is remembering to feed them.

CUT TO: int. a basic sort of shitty apartment - day but dimly lit

Sirens and screams can be heard faintly in the distance. We see a person's legs from the knees down, dangling limply and

swinging in the air, not touching the ground. A creaking sound drags out with every slow swing. Under the person's feet: an enormous pile of cat foot. Two cats are eating the absolute fuck out of it, happy as can be.

CUT TO: int. communal lounge space - day

SAM slams a binder down shut and looks up, frustrated.

SAM
We are not going to die here!
Can you please stop saying that?
It's not good for morale.

SLADE mockingly mouths "it's not good for morale" just before the rubber band ball hits her in the face. She sits up.

SLADE
Have you found anything good yet?

The group turns to look at DANA, who is now covered in a weird assortment of things: the tactile jacket, a cowboy hat, a huge tool belt, douchey sunglasses that a guy from Florida would get hard over. She freezes and looks back at the group while a Casper Mattress slowly expands on its own out of a box behind her.

DANA
That depends... do any
of you need to make a
Village People music video?

SLADE
No.

DANA
You sure? It
could be fuuun!

DANA smiles eagerly and clumsily lifts a handful of hardhats out a box. Meanwhile, JZ's arms appear out of the broken chair cocoon, half-heartedly making the letters of Y-M-C-A.

SAM
Guys! Come on. This
isn't the time to be silly.
You can boogey when we're
out of here and this is all over.

SLADE
It really is cute that you still
think we're getting out of here.

JZ attempts to lift themselves out of the broken egg chair and strains to speak clearly.

JZ
Having goals is important.

JZ almost succeeds at getting out, but is swallowed up again by the rocking chair cocoon. They slump back into the egg.

SAM
(to DANA) Okay, seriously.
What is in these boxes?
And where the heck did
they come from?

DANA
These are gifts from our podcast sponsors!
Slade and I were in the office to film
some unboxing videos. For our YouTube
channel! You should check it out.
Well, when we figure out how to get
WiFi. We actually have a few thousand
subscribers on there, which is super exciting
because getting people to make the
jump from, like, listening to watching
is actually super challenging—

JZ, SLADE, and SAM all stare, bored as hell.

DANA (CONT'D)
And we get, like, a lot of mean comments
on YouTube. Like, way more than anywhere else.
Even Pinterest. You'd be surprised how mean people
can be on there. Well, mostly to Slade. A lot of people
really hate her. Someone once said that she makes
”their butthole hurt”— which is, like, not necessary to share?
But usually our fans are totally amazing and, like, really love
our promo codes and stuff. So basically every month we show
off all our new gear or whatever! And then when people
buy stuff, we get paid. Which is great because Slade is always
complaining about how broke she is. And to be honest it's such
a bummer and, like, everyone hates it. But I totally thought that
all this stuff got destroyed! Turns out that this whole time—

EVERYONE
Erica had them.

Off screen, a devious giggle (ERICA) is heard from the ceiling, followed by a patter of feet that disappear into the distance. The group looks up briefly, then back at each other. Cut to SLADE.

SLADE
So, is there anything useful? And by useful
you know I mean is there a charged phone or a way
to charge our phones or maybe a loaded handgun
that I can borrow real quick for personal reasons?

Cut to DANA, who pops up from behind a pile of the boxes with a medium-sized box in hand.

DANA
(perkily) Does anyone here have a penis?

Cut to SAM, JZ, and SLADE. They all look up at DANA in unison, totally confused. Cut back to DANA, who dumps a huge box full of bright yellow smiley face condoms (and so much glitter?) onto the ground.

SAM
(whispering scoldingly) Hun, that really isn't
an appropriate question to ask at—

SLADE
For fuck's sake! This is not an
office anymore, Sam! Get a grip!

A muffled voice comes from the broken chair cocoon.

JZ
(fondly) Ah, I remember penises...

DANA
Well, I'm sure we can find some use for a lot of
this stuff! We just have to get creative.

Slade
Awesome...

SLADE sits up with an object-work gun in hand, pointing it around the room like she's holding everyone hostage.

SLADE (CONT'D)
"Be creative or dieee..."

JZ finally tips over in the broken chair cocoon, groaning quietly and defeatedly. They don't bother getting up. Simultaneously, SAM throws her hands up in the air and abruptly faces SLADE. She seems actually worried about the non-existent gun aimed at her.

SAM
(horrified) Slade! This goes against company poli-

SLADE
(in a silly villain voice) I'm the company now.

SLADE laughs evilly and object-work shoots SAM. SAM gasps sincerely.

While SAM and SLADE squabble in the background, we see DANA slide a small box-shaped object into the pocket of her new tactile jacket. Zooming in, we see that the small box says GENNY: THE FOREVER GENERATOR in bold letters and "Gen Z's fav pocket-sized generator!" below that.

As we pan out to show her face, DANA goes from looking guiltily and nervously at her pocket to acting bubbly and naive again. She looks up at the group, grabbing a whistle on her tactile jacket.

DANA
I think this is a whistle!

As she bounces back over to the group in her new emergency gear, DANA blows an expectedly loud whistle. Somehow, this sets off the emergency sprinkler system.

JZ, SLADE, and SAM groan and yell while DANA excitedly presses a button on her jacket, releasing a tiny umbrella over her head.

End.